Thursday, October 28, 2010

Snow globes banned by Homeland Security - USA

HowTo:Smuggle a snow globe

This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.See more HowTos
Following recent terrorism attempts, the United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA), has enacted some extreme safety measures to ensure the population believes they are doing something. 
Snow Globes are now contraband
In addition to reducing the speed of the conveyor belt and upping the amount of time spent staring at the X-ray Machine's screen, the TSA has banned snow globes amongst a plethora of other highly dangerous items.
Snow globes, originally harmless pieces of memorabilia and holiday spirit, have recently become items of interest for the United States Department of Homeland Security as they've proven their utility as weapons and smuggling vessels.



[edit]Why Smuggle a Snow Globe?

Most innocent civilians will wonder why the TSA has bothered to ban snow globes. The snow globe is a modern day descendant of the Holy Hand Grenades first used by Medieval Knights
An homage to the days yore
 to launch balls of fire at their opponents, and disarm small, vicious, white rabbits. These traditional Anglo weapons fell out of favor for centuries, once knives were invented, but were rediscovered in Northern Ireland and have become a weapon of choice for some Islamic extremist groups.
The deadly snow globe is an ideal weapon for such low-budget organizations, since few organizations can manufacture their weapons from scratch. Most opt to use mass produced, readily available trinkets, that can be disassembled and remade into festive Molotov Cocktails. The benign, nay, joyous, appearance of these snow globes is what makes them so very dangerous.

Because many Non-Judeo–Christian-Disney cultures do not manufacture their own snow globes, the ban will result in decreased supply, and drive the demand for smuggled goods.
This How-To guide will help you achieve your snow globe smuggling dreams (and become rich in the process), whether you have larger nefarious plans, or simply want to bring your souvenir home without paying $25 to check a bag. 

Snow Globe Breasts

If you are female, or a particularly pretty boy, this is the optimal method for you. This works best if you have small breasts to begin with, so try to recruit a modestly endowed woman or preteen.
This is why you should not wear a low cut shirt when using this method
What You'll Need
  • Small breasted female, or pretty boy
  • Two (2) evenly sized snow globes
  • A large bra
  • Duct tape
  • Stretchy, but not low cut, top
  • Band-aids
This is a professional snow globe smuggler, don't expect to look this good on your first try.
Once you've assembled these items, you're ready to get started.
  • Place the snow globes in the bra cups, and put the bra on carefully.
  • Use duct tape to secure the globes, and ensure they are level.
  • Carefully put on the top. You're ready to go.
If any security screener tries to pat you down, tell them you've recently have a breast enhancement and would appreciate if they did not touch your tender breasts. Do not use snow globes that contain metal; the metal detector will catch that.

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